Scene 8

A little later – the same day. The TV Repair Man is sitting on the sofa, alone, waiting for Orlando. He has now reverted back to his original self, wearing the same overalls and baseball cap from scene two. His true character is about to be revealed….

Orlando eventually enters from the front door.

TV REPAIR MAN

I’ve been waiting for you.

ORLANDO

Oh wow, the TV guy. Hey, it’s a pleasure to meet you, man. I’m a great fan of your work.

TV REPAIR MAN

I know

ORLANDO

You look just like you do in those adverts, as well. Pretty spooky.

TV REPAIR MAN

Appearances should always be deceptive – lesson number one.

ORLANDO

Er….gotcha. Where are the others? Did you…..fix the problem?

TV REPAIR MAN

I did. They’re safe…..and sound. (laughs to himself)

ORLANDO

“Does exactly what it says on the tin”. Like it.

TV REPAIR MAN

And your telly’s working properly as well.

ORLANDO

Seems like you match up to the “Acrolite” challenge to me, man.

TV REPAIR MAN

When I need to. Want to see something interesting?

ORLANDO

Now when you say that, I just know it’s gonna' be worth watching.

TV REPAIR MAN

Prepare to be informed.

(Orlando sits down on the sofa, smiling like the cat that got the cream and the cream-making factory. He is about to switch on the television with the remote control, when the TV Repair Man stops him….)

There’s no need for that.

(….and clicks his fingers. The same thing starts happening as before – the stage lights start flicking on and off. However, this time, the flickering stops after a few seconds and returns to normal, except that the Big TV at the back of the stage stays on. Crispin now enters the screen. He is dressed as Jeremiah from scene four.)

ORLANDO

Oh, cool, man.

VOICE OF THE TV ANNOUNCER

Ah, this must be the noble Jeremiah.

(Crispin waves to the camera. Orlando waves back.)

That fine, up-standing citizen for whom no challenge is too great to be mounted.

CRISPIN

Spoken like a true gent.

VOICE OF TV ANNOPUNCER

Lets join him now on his adventures, in this week’s edition of……

SFX. “Jeremiah’s Shack” theme tune.

……Jeremiah’s Shack.

(A woman dressed in period costume enters. Crispin gives the camera a leer)

ORLANDO

Jeremiah’s shack? Nice title. Oh, look out lady. You’re in for it now.

CRISPIN

‘Tis a wondrous day for roistering methinks. Let’s see what acts of malarkey I can perform with my new pants embroidered with a 100% high-jinxery. Missy, I am Cr…., I am the noble Jeremiah. My jib is cut by the craftiest jib-cutter in town and I intend to roger you senseless.

THE GIRL

OK (begins to disrobe)

CRISPIN (to camera)

Nice one!

THE GIRL (In a stilted, robotic tone of voice)

I cannot fight the cry of my bosom any longer. Your natural good looks and charm are enough to make a woman swoon. I must have you.

CRISPIN

Right you are.

(The girl opens her arm to greet him and Crispin gets ready to lunge lustfully at her. However, just as they are about to embrace, she steps to one side and starts putting on her clothes again. Crispin, caught unawares, falls spectacularly off the screen.)

THE GIRL

That was the most wonderful experience of my life. Thank you.

(The hapless hero pops back into view, looking utterly confused for a moment and then realises what’s up.)

CRISPIN (whispering loudly off-camera)

Wait up. You’ve got the wrong page. That’s after this bit.

(Momentarily, a technician appears at the side, looking through the cue cards. He finds the right one, and then the two lovers resume the same pose as before. The girl reads, rather obviously, from the correct card.)

THE GIRL

Come to me, my love.

CRISPIN

That’s better. Of course I will, my wild honey-dewed flower. Thou art more lovely yadda yadda. Right, let’s get on with it, shall we?

(Grabs the girl hastily and they both exit)

VOICE OF ANNOUNCER

Jeremiah’s Shack will be on at the later time than usual next week, to allow us to show all the good bits.

SFX. “Jeremiah’s Shack” theme tune.

(The TV Repair Man then switches off the TV, by clicking his fingers again. Orlando bounces off the sofa and paces around the room, his mind completely blown away by what he’s just seen.)

ORLANDO

Groovy man. Real groovy. That was just…..

TV REPAIR MAN

I know. I know. But it’s merely the tip of the iceberg. There’s much more.

ORLANDO

How did ya pull that off. It looked pretty real. ‘Cos, like, I’ve seen some shit and all, but there’s right up there, man.

TV REPAIR MAN

Orlando, sit down. I want to ask you something.

ORLANDO (sitting down)

Shoot. I’m all ears….and eyes.

TV REPAIR MAN

How would you like to be part of something greater than you could ever possibly imagine in your wildest dreams?

ORLANDO

What, like “Space Mountain, the ride of the century type” scenario?

TV REPAIR MAN

No not like that. I mean, being part of a profile of possibilities not normally available to the mere proles.

ORLANDO

Are we talking about what I think we’re talking about?

ORLANDO AND THE TV REPAIR MAN TOGETHER

The Goggle Box.

ORLANDO

I knew we were, man. I knew it. (punching the air)

TV REPAIR MAN

But on a scale you’ve only sniffed at before. The world is ripe for conversion. Millions and millions of little people waiting to fall down on their knees.

ORLANDO

Or sit down on the sofa.

TV REPAIR MAN

Or sit down on the sofa and worship at the altar.

ORLANDO

Cooool.

TV REPAIR MAN

The Goggle Box’s time has come. Society is ready, readier than it’s ever been. That’s why I’m here, to help the cause. And that’s why you’re here, as well.

ORLANDO

As opposed to where?

TV REPAIR MAN

Time for the second half. All will become clear.

ORLANDO

Man, this beats The Exorcist hands down, I’m telling ya.

(The TV Repair Man motions to Orlando to click his fingers, which he obediently does.

The Big TV comes back on to reveal The Gameshow Host from the second scene, standing underneath a large sign announcing the show they are about to watch – “Get With The Programme”.

This should be very 90’s, with the Gameshow Host now a hip and hyperactive gibbering talkaholic, who keeps the whole thing moving at a hundred miles an hour.)

SFX. Theme tune to “Get With The Programme”

ORLANDO (over the music)

Oh, man. A gameshow! I thought you didn’t like gameshows?

TV REPAIR MAN

I don’t. But this is something more. Much more. Watch.

SFX. Delirious studio applause.

GAMESHOW HOST

Give it up. Come on, give it up. “Welcome to the pleasure dome”. Yesssss, that’s right ladies and gentlemen, it’s another edition of “Get With The Programme”, brought to you by Acrolite washing powder – made by Australians, but OK. Let the games commence. The rules are simple: our mystery lady asks two contestants questions and the one she wants “in her programme”, she gets. Simple, yet effective, I think you’ll agree. Marvellous. Absolutely marvellous. Let’s roll this mother to the max. Valerie, BRING ON THE FIRST CONTESTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!

SFX. Delirious studio applause.

(Valerie, more sassily dressed than before, appears holding Stephen’s hand. He is wearing his usual tasteless clothes and is blindfolded.)

GAMESHOW HOST

Oakey-dokey, who have we got here, Valerie?

VALERIE

This is Stephen and he’s always getting sand kicked in his face.

SFX. More studio applause.

GAMESHOW HOST

Well Stephen, on this show you get the chance to do a bit of kicking yourself.

STEPEHEN

Chinny-chin to that!

ORLANDO

Oh man, this is sweet.

GAMESHOW HOST

All-rightee. If you’d like to sit over here Stephen…..

(Valerie sits him down on a chair to one side of the host.)

…..let’s meet your other half. He-he. Go get him, tiger. (Valerie exits off-camera) Gorgeous girl. She loves it. And small animals, as well.

(Valerie re-enters with Crispin, who is still dressed as Jeremiah. He is also blindfolded.)

ORLANDO

You’re some kind of genius.

GAMNESHOW HOST

Oakey-cokey-smokey. Boo-yakka, boo-yak. “Because are dreams are made of this”. Who in the name of Bertrand Beelzebub have we got here, Valerie?

VALERIE

Bob, this is Jeremiah and he likes to kick sand in other people’s faces.

SFX. Yet more studio applause.

GAMESHOW HOST

Heh-heh-heh, it looks like we’re in for some fireworks tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s see how accurate you are with those feet of yours then, Jeremiah.

JEREMIAH

Right you are.

TV REPAIR MAN

The beauty of it is, neither of them can recognise the voice of the other. They are existing in their own individual worlds. At the moment.

ORLANDO

Nice touch, man.

GAMESHOW HOST

Ok. Let’s see. We have contestant number one. We have contestant number two. What are we missing? Oh, tish-tosh-and-tiddly, who am I trying to tricky trickster? All we need to make this a cosy little threesome is our mystery lady, who’s going to “get with the programme” with one of these lucky guys. So, Valerie, can I ask you to: BRING ME THAT WOMAN!!!!!!

SFX. More studio applause.

(Valerie leaves and comes back with Fiona, wearing a fetching evening dress and also blindfolded.)

GAMESHOW HOST

Stone the crows and bake them in a pie with rye crust: WHAT A STUNNER!!!! You chap-eroons are in for a treat and then some. Hello there.

FIONA

Hello Bob. Hello lads.

STEPEHN

Er….hello, mystery lady.

CRISPIN

Hi-ya.

ORLANDO

It’s the same for her as well, then?

(The TV Repair Man nods)

GAMESHOW HOST

They sound like a right pair, don’t they?

FIONA

They do. And I get to choose which one……?

GAMESHOW HOST

…..to “Get With The Programme”. Just by pressing this little remote control. (He takes it out of his pocket) Isn’t it lovely to be in command?

FIONA

Sure is, Bob.

GAMESHOW HOST

Once you’ve pressed that button, we let you have the programme of your choice.

FIONA

Excellent. Good rules.

GAMESHOW HOST

OK, mystery lady. You know the score. Hardcore uproar. Let’s hear your first question.

FIONA

Contestant number one. Do you wanna' shag in this programme?

(Stephen can’t speak for all the flustering and gibbering that grips him, at the mere mention of a shag.)

GAMESHOW HOST

Cripety-cropety. Has anyone seen a bush around these parts? Because this lady is not beating about it.

FIONA

There’s no point in messing about. It’s my life that’s being lived here.

GAMESHOW HOST

True enough. True. Enough. Contestant number one? Do you want to add anything there?

STEPEHEN

Er…I think that……if I was going to be….er….quite…..frankly…….I….

GAMESHOW HOST

I’m going to have to press you for an answer. (presses the remote control panel)

STEPEHEN

Er…..

GAMESHOW HOST

Doh, it’s not working. (putting the remote control to his mouth) “It’s no good captain. WE NEED MORE POWER”. Come on, poppet, let’s “Get With The Programme”. NOW.

STEPHEN

…..I think that ….er…would make…great viewing. As it were.

SFX. Studio audience laughter.

GAMESHOW HOST

Oooh, saucy. What do you think about that, mystery lady?

FIONA

He sounds alright. Great viewing. Yeah, good one.

GAMESHOW HOST

OK. Now we’re getting somewhere. Number two: shag or no?

CRISPIN

Any programme with me in it is bound to have a large quantity of that particular subject. The main one, really.

FIONA

That’s up to me to decide, number two.

CRISIPIN

No it’s not.

FIONA

I think you’ll find it is, isn’t it, Bob?

GAMESHOW HOST

That’s correct, mystery lady. Now for your…..

CRISPIN

That doesn’t sound right.

ORLANDO

How’s all this going to end, then?

REPAIR MAN

You’ll see. It gets even better.

FIONA

Deal with it, two.

CRISPIN

Hold on.

STEPHEN

Yes, you knew the rules when you decided to play. I think moaning about it now shows a lack of dignity on your part.

FIONA

That number one sounds nice.

GAMSHOW HOST

She thinks contestant number one sounds nice. That’s contestant number one – sounding nice.

CRISPIN

But the rules are being changed. I don’t want to play anymore. (beings trying to take off his blindfold)

FIONA

You sound like a real jook number two. Bob, I don’t want to ask any more questions. I want to make a programme with number one. He seems a very likeable person.

GAMESHOW HOST

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, she’s gone for number one. But has she made the right choice?

SFX. “Yesssssssssss” from the studio audience.

(Crispin is still struggling with his blindfold. Valerie brings the lucky couple to stand together.)

CRISPIN

No she bloody well hasn’t. Wait till I get this stupid bli…..

GAMESHOW HOST

Before we take of the blindfolds, what do you have to say for yourself contestant number one?

STEPHEN

Well, it’s nice to see the small fish swim through shark-infested waters, in the face of such rude and generally unpleasant shenanigans as number two as demonstrated.

FIONA

Hear hear.

CRISPIN

If I didn’t know better……

GAMESHOW HOST

Time to take off the blindfolds.

ORLANDO

This I gotta' see.

CRISPIN

…..I’d say that….

STEPHEN

By crikey, yes.

CRISPIN

Oh no.

FIONA

Ah, yes.

GAMESHOW HOST

Would you like to reveal your name please, contestant number one?

FIONA

By crikey. That’s a cute phrase when it’s not said by…….

STEPHEN

My name is….

(They all take their blindfolds off at the same time.)

FIONA, CRISPIN, STEPEHEN

Stephen. Aggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GAMESHOW HOST

Yeesssssssss!!!!!!

CRISPIN

I don’t believe this.

FIONA

I suddenly feel very sick.

STEPHEN

You two. But, but, but what are you doing here?

GAMESHOW HOST

Isn’t this brilliant TV, folks?

ORLANDO

It’s that alright.

FIONA

I could ask the same question.

CRISPIN

So could I.

FIONA

Shit.

ORLANDO

That is a powerful ending.

TV REPAIR MAN

I told you it was worth waiting for. Now for the denouement.

(The Gameshow Host stands in the middle of them and thrusts his microphone under each of their noses when they speak.)

STEPHEN

We’ve been fooled.

FIONA

Wait, look.

(She stares straight into the screen, as though she’s looking through the camera and out into the real world. the others quickly follow suit. The TV Repair Man walks to the side of the room so that they can’t see him.)

It’s Orlando.

THE GAMESHOW HOST (looking off-camera briefly)

That’s our cue, people. See you next week when we get some more suckers to play “Get With The Programme”.

SFX. “Get With The Programme” theme tune, together with delirious studio applause.

(As the Music plays, all three go right up close to the screen, so that they are practically touching it and peer out. Finally, the music fades.)

STEPHEN

Oh, thank crikey. Orlando.

CRISPIN

You’ve got to help.

FIONA

Get us out of this nightmare.

STEPHEN, CRISPIN AND FIONA

Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The TV Repair Man now walks into view of the others, by standing directly behind Orlando. At the sight of him, they all recoil.)

FIONA

Agh. Look out Orlando! Behind you!!

STEPHEN

That’s him. That’s the one who’s responsible for all this.

TV REPAIR MAN

Orlando. What do you want to do?

ORLANDO

How often is this on?

TV REPAIR MAN

As often as you like.

FIONA

Don’t do it. Don’t.

STEPHEN

He’s just going to try and fool you.

ORLANDO

As often as I like?

(The TV Repair Man nods his head.)

CRISPIN

Don’t switch that switch. Don’t leave us here for……

(Orlando thinks for a second and then switches off the television. As he does this, the distant sound of agonized screams can be heard from the other three.)

ORLANDO

….ever. Just the kind of telly I like to watch.

TV REPAIR MAN (putting a fatherly hand around Orlando’s shoulder)

Good decision, my boy. You won’t regret this.

ORLANDO

And that lot?

TV REPAIR MAN

They had what was coming. They were essentially weak. Whilst you and I are the strong ones.

ORLANDO

What did you say to ‘em?

TV REPAIR MAN

It’s not necessarily what I said, as what I didn’t say. Lesson number two: He who cannot lie does not know the truth. In effect, all I did was to appeal to the lowest common denominator – their basest need. You meet that and you’ll have them eating out of your hand like a puppy dog.

ORLANDO

“You too can have hair like this”.

TV REPAIR MAN

Exactly. Remember this – people are just waiting to give their liberty away at the drop of a hat. It’s always been like that really.

ORLANDO

I can relate to that.

TV REPAIR MAN

The trick is to meet the need and simultaneously convince the poor fools that they play a part in choosing to submit to you. Then the dupes are still under the delusion of exercising their precious freedom. Consequently, nine times out of ten, it’s merely a question of “where do I sign”. That’s history in a nutshell: new ideas, new systems promising the same thing.

ORLANDO

I’m a book, man, fill the pages.

TV REPAIR MAN

Television is the perfect medium for doing all this. It’s just a mirror – we stare into the silver screen and see ourselves and the world around us. The image reflected back just compounds our own perceptions. That process is repeated in an eternal circle. And the viewer is a knowing accomplice, to some degree anyway. The Goggle Box has just taken advantage of the grey area.

ORLANDO

So, what do you do when you’ve got ‘em?

TV REPAIR MAN

Ah, that’s where it has learnt from the other’s mistakes. When you’ve got them in your hand, the next question is: how do you keep them from escaping? Seeing an alternative way? Choosing an alternative way? Mankind has, after all, shown itself to be quite tenacious in its fight for freedom.

ORLANDO

If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard that in a movie.

TV REPAIR MAN

Though the irony is that when they have fought and won it, they’re prepared to give this away again to the next thing that comes along and promises bells, but with knobs on.

ORLANDO

So?

TV REPAIR MAN

So, you don’t try and keep them ignorant. That works to some degree, but as I’ve said before, it’s not fool-proof. And besides, it’s a lot of hassle. No.

Stay posted for the next instalment.